Reason #57,567(a) To Hate Valentine's Day

(I realize that at some point, it's going to become necessary for me to write something up about the people who will be prominently featured in this space, but we're not quite there yet. So forgive me for jumping right in with the introductions. I'm sure that soon, you'll have heard enough of my stories to make up for the lack of a quick reference now.)

So...I have this friend. We'll call her Hotass, because that's what she told me to call her. Hotass has been dating this guy for a while. He's a really nice guy, and they are very cute together. But he also has Issues. And while he's been working on his Issues, it's not an easy relationship. They both care about each other very deeply, but you know how sometimes that's not enough? Yeah. So things came to a head the night before Valentine's Day. And yesterday? Hotass had to break up with her boyfriend.

Now, a breakup is bad enough in and of itself, but on Valentine's Day, you can just magnify the experience at least tenfold. There's the gifts that have to be returned. And the breathless anticipation of a romantic candlelight dinner that gets replaced by gut-wrenching sobbing over a pint of Ben and Jerry's. If you're lucky, your other friends are either dateless, or not doing anything, so you at least can have someone to help shovel ice cream into you and repeat "You did the right thing" over and over again like a mantra. But if you're not...if your friends are all coupled off and enjoying romantic dinners of their own with their significant others? Just draw the warm bath and break out the razor blades, because Sweet Baby Jeebus, it would be faster and easier than sitting through the insipid commercials about the "I'd marry you all over again" crowd that are coming on during the innocuous Law & Order episode you put on to distract you from the heartbreak.

I recently got an e-mail about the male answer to Valentine's Day....March 20th is now Steak and Blowjob Day, so that men everywhere can get a little something that makes THEM happy after going to all the trouble to get us women the "gifts that perfectly express their love" on February 14th. And I think men have the right idea. Let's replace Valentine's Day with something else....something a little more achievable. Something that isn't completely tied up in societal expectations and cloying romanticism. I'm thinking from now on February 14th should be Lobster and Cunnilingus Day. Who needs a card? A little shellfish and some action, and I'm happy. Ladies?