Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Saturday, March 04, 2006

I Am So Lame...

(I could go on and on and on about this topic, so we'll just call this Part One in a Series.)

I got a phone call from my dad this morning. My dad never calls. My mom calls often, and I call her often, but she's out of town, so my dad was stuck with the phone duty. My brother and sister-in-law welcomed their second child this morning. I have a new nephew. (I had suspected that they were going to have a boy, but they didn't find out ahead of time. I should have put money down on that.) 8 pounds, 6 ounces. Time elapsed from getting to the hospital to the actual delivery? One hour and 45 minutes. Time elapsed from getting to the hospital to the actual delivery when I had Turtle? Over twenty hours. I kind of hate them. But that's not why I'm lame.

My dad brought my other nephew over this morning after visiting the new baby and his parents at the hospital. This time of year is prime for respiratory infections, so most hospitals will not allow children younger than 12 into the Labor and Delivery ward. Nephew couldn't get in to see his new baby brother, so he wanted to come see his cousin instead. They played while my dad napped on the couch and I took a shower. And then I had to quickly neaten up the bathroom (and hide the sex toys) when my dad walked back to talk to me as I was doing my hair. But that's not why I'm lame either.

When my dad was getting ready to leave, we started chatting about how he was a grandpa again. There is a three year difference between my older nephew and Turtle, and a two and a half year difference between Turtle and the youngest nephew. My dad is concerned about how crazy it's going to be when the kids are 10, 7 and 5. This is of particular concern because these kids are highly intelligent and extremely mischievous. My nephew and son are already plotting to take over the world. With another nephew in the mix, they'll be plotting to take over the whole universe before too long. So my dad looked at me and said, "I was really hoping this one would be a girl." And this, my friends, is where I showcased my lameness, because without a trace of irony, I looked back and him and said, "Daddy, that's supposed to be MY thing. They gave you the first grandchild. Can't I, at least, give you the first girl?????" Yeah, I know. I can't believe I said it either. My dad laughed, thankfully, but I think that's mostly because he doesn't realize how completely neurotic his daughter really is.

The fact of the matter is, I'm extremely happy for my brother and his family. And I would still be extremely happy for them if they had given me a niece instead of a nephew. But in my neat, tidy, orderly universe, I had always expected that as the first born, and the first to marry, I would logically be the first to have a baby. When my brother announced that he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant well before Oscar and I had even discussed having children, it threw my neat, tidy, orderly universe into a tailspin from which it has never really recovered. I think, in my overcompetitive mind, I felt that I had somehow failed when they provided my parents a grandchild before I did. At the very least, I had lost points. When I was pregnant with Turtle, I latched onto the idea that if I had a girl, the scales would be evened again, because I would at least have the first girl grandchild. Then we found out our Princess was a Turtle. So much for that.

This is not to say I would have done anything differently in my life. Oscar and I had a child when we were ready to be parents. We're not racing to have a second child, just so we can try to have a girl and "shift the balance." We'll talk about having a second child when the time is right for us. But it's amazing the stuff that goes through my mind sometimes. I've always been overcompetitive and a perfectionist. But who knew it would lead to me tallying points and trying to figure out how to break even over something that you can't even begin to score? So...yeah. I am so lame. And I have an overdeveloped case of sibling rivalry. Oh, and I'm kind of a nutcase. But at least I own it.


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