Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

In Which We Dissect The Fug...

For today's installment, I must first refer you to the following image. Go ahead...take a look. I'll wait.

So, yeah, it's a late night, and I don't really have the brain power to come up with new and interesting material, so instead, I'm just going to share a conversation I had with Snark's Mistress over IM in which we dissect previously mentioned image of one of our favorite actors, Viggo Mortenson, henceforth known as Boleraragorn. Don't feel neglected. I'll be back to being witty and clever in an original way tomorrow. Also? Love you, Viggo, but great holy hell, that was a bad outfit. Also? We are weird:

Her: Speaking of Salma, I saw something I never thought I'd see.
Her: Her in a dress that was so unflattering it made her somewhat unattractive.
Her: It was devastating.
Her: Between that and Boleraragorn, I don't know if I'll ever recover.
Me: Was that the one with the red back?
Her: No, although that one was hideous as well. It was this one: Salma in a bad dress
Me: Brain Bleach!!!!
Her: Exactly!!! The dress actually manages to make her look dumpy!
Me: I wonder if she and her stylist are on the outs
Her: Could be.
Her: Also in that gallery of pics, there was one of Lindsay Lohan. That's just sad. She was so gorgeous before she lost all that weight.
Me: Yeah, she really had a great look
Her: Also, from the way her chest has deflated along with the rest of her - those boobs were definitely real.
Me: Yeah, no kidding. Not that it has stopped her critics from insinuating that she had her implants removed
Her: Oh for God's sakes!
Me: Yeah, tell me about it
Her: They really don't let these people win, do they? If they look like normal women, then they're fat with fake boobs, so they lose weight and then they're troubled anorexics who can't handle life and have to have their fake boobs taken out.
Her: Geez.
Me: Word.
Me: Remind me never to get famous
Her: MegaWord.
Her: You might become anorexic and have your fake boobs taken out and start wearing matador outfits.
Me: Bite your tongue. I wouldn't be caught dead in a matador outfit
Her: Not even if it came with a kicky cape?
Me: NO CAPES!
Her: Sorry, E.
Me: Actually, maybe that's what happened to Viggo...he had a whole outfit built around the cape, and it would have worked in an eccentric kind of way, because he's an eccentric kind of guy...but then he saw The Incredibles right before he left the house, and he's freaking out because NO CAPES, and that's why the outfit didn't work AT ALL, and he had that little lost look on his face at the same time.
Her: Dude, that is so what happened.
Her: And then he had the kicky matador hat that went with the whole thing, but it blew away, and he couldn't catch it in time, but he didn't have time to go get a new one, so he had to show up without it, and he didn't know what to do.
Me: So totally what happened
Her: Poor Viggo. You know he had a pet bull that he was going to bring, but when the bull saw that he didn't have the cape and hat, he laughed at him and ran away.
Me: No...the bull had a cape, and Viggo said no cape and the bull refused to be naked in public
Me: It's all Pixar's fault
Her: Right. And the hat didn't actually blow away, the bull snorted so loudly in disdain and defiance that it blew the hat off, and then the bull ate the hat out of spite.
Her: Totally Pixar's fault.
Me: Well, and then the bull got indigestion from eating the hat, and shoved Viggo out of the house without the trenchcoat he was going to wear to totally cover up the fact that he was in a crappy outfit that would have been fabulous, if not for the lack of cape.....and thus....he made the gofugyourself list of shame. DAMN YOU EDNA MODE!!!
Her:And you know what the worst thing is? When he got back from the event, after realizing how ridiculous he looked and being humiliated, he walked into the house and stepped into the mess the bull made when it yacked up the hat right in front of the door. And he had to clean it up, and THEN when he went up to just go to bed and forget the whole day, the bull was in his bed. And he was hogging all the covers!

So. Are you still here? You are? Oh, good. Because I just wanted to let you know that Snark's Mistress and I realize that we are completely insane. But we embrace that. It's what gives us our charm. And really, even when we're being insane, you can at the very least rest assured that you would never find us roaming the streets, asking for spare change in our funky matador outfits, with or without capes. Or hats.

2 Comments:

At March 29, 2006 8:35 AM, Blogger Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

Know what's more fugged up?! These are the existensial conversations I have in my head because no one else will have them with me!
I will not understand your obsession with Salma... never... ever.

 
At March 29, 2006 4:23 PM, Anonymous Oscar said...

Blasphemer!

 

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