Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Kids. What's Not to Love?

Oscar is not my biggest fan today. Last night, we were sitting on the couch together, taking a few minutes to relax after tough workouts at the gym, when Oscar all of a sudden gets this look on his face and says, "Jesus, Buddy, you STINK!" Turtle came running around the side of the couch and put his hand on my knee. Then he looked at me with these puppy dog eyes and said, "I ha' poo'." Now, my nose, being as stuffed as it was yesterday, was not helping me confirm this statement, and despite Oscar's outburst, I wanted to see if Turtle had anything to say on the matter. So I calmly looked back at him and said, "You have poop? You made poopies in your diaper?" Turtle looked back up and me with the same puppy dog eyes and said, "Yeah." It was at this point in our conversation that a seed of an idea started developing. And I realized quickly that it could very easily backfire on me, but I decided that it was worth the risk. I proceeded. I looked back at Turtle and said, "Do you need to have your diaper changed?" Turtle thought about it for a minute and then looked back at me and meekly said, "Yeah." And then came the moment of truth. I looked at Turtle and asked, "Would you like Mommy or Daddy to change your diaper, buddy? Mommy or Daddy?" And without missing a beat, my glorious child looked up at me and yelled "DAH-EE!!!" And victory was mine! So what did I do with this victory? I decided to gloat about it, of course. I praised Turtle up, down and backward and told him what a wonderful boy he was and then I said, "Give Mommy a high-five." As Turtle's hand slapped against mine, Oscar's head whipped around. His eyes burned holes into the side of my head and with clenched teeth, he growled, "Oh, that is not fair to give him a high-five and encourage that shit." But I didn't care, really, because I wasn't the one who was now obligated to go wipe Turtle's butt.

Besides, what Oscar fails to recognize is that these types of moments happen all the time when he's not home to witness them. Turtle inevitably finds some way to put Mommy in her place, at least once a day. Today was no exception. I had taken Turtle over to Best Friend's house after the gym and fixed him his lunch of macaroni and cheese. While he was eating, Best Friend, Best Friend's Sister and I got to talking and it was not long before I looked over and noticed that he was scooping his milk out of his cup with his spoon. I said, in my best Mommy-is-not-amused voice, "Turtle, that is not the way we drink our milk." And Turtle looked right back at me and, with every bit of attitude you can possibly contain in a 2-year-old body, said, "Yah, i' is!" The only things that could have made that moment more alarming for me would have been a hip cock and an eye roll. Add those two things, and I have a teenager trapped in a 2 year old body. I don't need that kind of pressure. It's bad enough that he's already smarter than I am.

Given all of this, it's a mystery to me that Oscar and I are even considering having another child. We outnumber Turtle right now and he still has the upper hand. If we give him a sibling, can you imagine the chaos that could ensue? GAH! I got a facial tic, just thinking about it. So Oscar's swim team is going to stay benched for a while. And maybe when Turtle is in school, and the newness of my baby nephew has worn off, and I have forgotten just what it's like to have a toddler running around, we'll consider putting the swim team back in play. But that's going to be a while.


At March 09, 2006 8:36 PM, Blogger Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

HA!HA!HA! That's awesome. I woulda done the exact same thing... High fives and all.


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