Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Friday, March 24, 2006

Seriously, You Can Stop Now

My horoscope is freaking me out. I've been trying to check it more regularly, and while it is generally entertaining, today's was a little too spot-on for my tastes.

"You may not have been taking very good care of yourself lately, Cymber. The planetary aspects are encouraging you today to be a little more disciplined in your life-style. Don't overwork yourself, don't drink too much coffee and try to eat light. Anything you do for yourself today could have very rapid, healthy effects on your organism. Think about this as you go for a run at lunchtime, or go to bed early tonight!"

I have not been to the gym since Monday. My eating habits have been lax all week. Yesterday, in particular, I was eating junk food instead of the healthy stuff I usually choose. I've been getting to bed way too late, and waking up way too early. So now I'm starting to wonder if my horoscope is following me or whether it just uses Nanny-Cams. I mean, I'm used to the vague "You will have an interesting day today, so be on the lookout for things to be different" crap that my horoscope usually has to say. This seemingly prescient version of my horoscope has me a little spooked. I feel like I'm being watched. And now I'm thinking about all the weird things I do in the shower because I'm alone and naked, and I'm feeling somewhat embarrassed. What things? Well, sometimes, I like mind. Just sense the chagrin. Anyway, I think I need to go back to the days when I didn't check my horoscope every day. Maybe that will help. Because right now? I'm just a little alarmed.

In other news, I realize I shouldn't care all that much, but The Doodlebops are back for a new season and I'm having some issues. First of all, if you don't know what The Doodlebops are, you have been missing out. The Doodlebops are both a kids' show on the Disney Channel and the main characters of said kids' show. I honestly think you have to be on an acid trip to fully appreciate the show, which is essentially a plot-less blend of primary colors, bad music, and weird costumes. But Turtle enjoys it, and I suffer through it, because I'll watch anything with music in it, even if it's bad music. My standards are low. Anyway, for the new season, they have changed Deedee's hair. In the first season, it was this pink, cotton candy-esque concoction, styled into a flip and pulled back with a headband. Odd, but if you could get past the color, not so bad. Now, though, they've taken that same style and....POOFED it more. It's got more volume or........... something. But regardless, it's scary now. I think she could hide things in that hair. In fact, I would not be at all surprised to learn that the woman who plays her stuffs her flask up there and her journal, in which she enumerates the reasons that she has taken this gig so that when she feels dirty and ashamed for selling out like this, she can refer to it and remember that she's not only paying the rent; she's supporting her cocaine habit.

Also disturbing me about this new season is that Maz, the scat singing manager of the Doodlebops, has been replaced by a new character, Jazzmine. I feel betrayed. I liked Maz. She was one of the few tolerable things about this show, and now she is gone. Does she not realize that I have no choice but to watch this show with my son every morning? Does she not understand that in leaving, I am now the one who must suffer? Why does she have to be so selfish? GAH! I hate people like that. It's like they're saying "Me, me,'s all about me!" Don't these people realize it's NOT all about them??? Don't they realize it's all about ME?!?!? GAH! Keep up, people!!! I don't want to have to tell you again!

And here is the part of the program in which I tie these two seemingly unrelated items together into a cohesive narrative thread: I'm getting the impression that the universe is conspiring to get me out of the house more. My horoscope tells me to stop being such a lazy-ass, and one of my son's morning shows has degenerated into a virtually unwatchable piece of dreck. I'm not necessarily a superstitious person, but all signs seem to be pointing to me needing to give the couch cushions a breather before they develop a permanent imprint of my ass. I was doing a good job of it earlier in the week, but I started getting lazier as the week progressed. I know this has been a common theme in this blog, but really, until you stay home with a two year old and deal with the tantrums and the runny noses and the drama that ensues when you neglect to make him the pancakes he so desperately wanted for breakfast and feel like your brain is deteriorating and realize that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to get the entire house clean at one time so why even bother, and have someone say, "mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom" ad nauseum until you wonder why it was that you wanted kids in the first place and try to balance your budget which stubbornly refuses to balance and worry about whether your child is going to be a serial killer, given his fascination with turning every day items into go-gos, his oh-so-cute word for guns, and try to figure out what to fix for dinner so that you can have something ready when your husband, who has been working long hours and not getting nearly enough sleep, comes home and try to find something cute and funny to say every day so you don't disappoint McMama, who reads your blog every day, because she's cool like that, and yet, THE PRESSURE, you just won't understand that I'm LUCKY to have found enough energy to get out of bed, much less drag my ass off the couch. So, you know...don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can.


At March 24, 2006 12:34 PM, Anonymous Oscar said...

Yes, people. She really is this cute... and neurotic. But cutely neurotic. I mean, hell, she married me for chrissakes.

But she also has a very valid point with entertaining or dealing with a 2 year old.

At March 24, 2006 5:52 PM, Anonymous Lunatic wife said...

OMG! I thought I was the only one to notice something was quite wrong with DeeDee! I too, miss Maz and feel your pain, but only on a limited basis (6 am when the shorty is up or every damned weekend). It goes to show you that after working all week, dealing with in-laws from hell, I have no respite. I get to go home and be tortured by Porkahontas's favorite show. But I must say, even though the Doodlebop's have "declined", it still beats the hell out of the Teletubbies or, kill me if I ever have to watch it again..."Boohbah".

An IV of alcohol (preferrably a Very Dirty Voldka Martini) is needed.

At March 24, 2006 10:38 PM, Blogger Cymber said...

Oh, dear God, I do NOT let my child come anywhere close to either of those two shows. Not even being on an acid trip is enough to make you appreciate Teletubbies or Boobah. There are no words to describe the haaaaaaaaaaate I feel for them.


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