Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Tech Support

Me: Hi, um, my name is Cymber and I have a late-model 2003 Boy Toddler. I believe we registered for the extended warranty? Anyway, I think there's something wrong with our unit and I wondered if there was a possibility of getting a warranty replacement?
Tech Support: Cymber, what is the name of your unit?
Me: Um, it's Turtle.
Tech Support: Okay, Cymber, we have you on file, and yes, you did register for the extended warranty. Can I ask you what the problem is with your current model?
Me: Well, he's great 90% of the time, but the other 10%, he cries and throws tantrums, and plays with things I've told him not to play with, and is a general pain in the ass. Oh, and he hasn't been eating well, lately, either.
Tech Support: What do you mean he hasn't been eating well? He won't eat at all, or he'll only eat one thing?
Me: Well, it's a little bit of both. Sometimes he won't eat anything at all except for a bite here and there, and then he wakes up early because he's hungry because he hasn't eaten. Other times, he gets on a pancake kick and he won't eat anything but pancakes for, like, 5 days. That can't be good for him, right?
Tech Support: Well, ma'am, it won't kill him, if that's what you're asking. Have you tried rebooting?
Me: Yes, my husband tried rebooting and he tried a hard restart. He thinks it might be the MunchkinBoard. Maybe something got fried or something?
Tech Support: Well, that's possible. But let's eliminate some other possibilities first. How is his battery holding up?
Me: Oh, the battery's not a problem. He can run for hours, literally, without wearing out.
Tech Support: Okay. How is his output?
Me: His output is just fine. Stinky, but just fine. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Well, except for the time that I gave him some Grape Gatorade. That was some weird colored ---
Tech Support: Yes, ma'am, I understand. No need to explain. What about powering him down in the afternoon before a restart? Have you tried that?
Me: Yeah, I have, but a lot of times, it seems like there are still some processes running in the background or something, because I hear noises coming from his docking station. And he never seems like he powers down for long enough.
Tech Support: I see. Have you gotten any error messages from him?
Me: Well, that's another problem. I'm not sure, because whatever program he's running appears to be in Korean. I can't find the command to translate back to English.
Tech Support: Has this always been a problem?
Me: Kind of, yeah.
Tech Support: I see. Ma'am, can I put you on hold a moment so I can talk this over with my supervisor?
Me: problem.

*humming along to the hold music*

Tech Support: Ma'am?
Me: Yes, I'm still here.
Tech Support: Ma'am, I've discussed the situation with my supervisor and he says that the problem you're describing is common to all late-model 2003 Boy Toddlers. I'm afraid we can't authorize a warranty replacement because any model we send you is going to have the same issues you're having currently.
Me: Are you KIDDING me?
Tech Support: No, ma'am. I'm afraid not.
Me: Okay, then, how could you knowingly offer me this unit, and convince me to purchase the extended warranty, when you were aware, the WHOLE TIME, that I was going to end up having this problem?
Tech Support: I'm sorry, ma'am. I wish I could help you.
Me: Can you at least tell me how to fix his speech program so I can understand what he's saying?
Tech Support: Well, ma'am, I can offer you a phonics program that for $29.99 a month will -
Me: $29.99 a MONTH? To translate my Toddler's basic commands, which should already be in ENGLISH to start with?????
Tech Support: Yes, ma'am. I understand your frustration ---
Me: Oh, BITE ME!

*click of phone being disconnected*


At March 29, 2006 6:06 PM, Blogger Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

That was fantastic... just as you promised. Now if only during the part with the hold music you wrote "Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl/ With yellow flowers in her hair and a dress cut down to there..." That would have been fugging hilariousg.

At March 30, 2006 8:16 AM, Blogger Nate said...

Wonderful but did you know that the girl models come with the same flaws. I cannot wait to see your posts in say - 10 years. You cannot imagine... :)

At March 30, 2006 9:35 AM, Anonymous McMama said...

This is absolutely perfect, yet I'm a little dismayed at your calling my grandson a unit. Perhaps I should come for an extended visit and take over during the 10% uncooperative time. Just so you know, the older the unit, the higher the percentage. It does level out when your unit reaches about 30.

At March 30, 2006 10:27 AM, Anonymous Lunatic Wife said...

It is very true, all of these "Baby/Toddler Units" come with flaws. First because the language is encrypted, then when you finally unlock said encryption, they become more demanding. I hear it levels off a bit from years 5-11, but then when the models hit puberty watch out!

Oh, and FYI, Nate is correct, the girl models are not any easier, just different. We have the 2002 model designed in early January. Boy does it have issues. It's the "Diva/Baby Beyonce Edition". It talked very clearly at 9 months (but refused to walk until 15 months or potty train until it was about three). She EXTREMELY HIGH MAINTENANCE. This model has a penchant for any product with the words "pony, princess or jewelry" in the description. It also must have new frilly socks and hair doodles on a weekly basis.

We have since purchased the April 2005 girl model which came with an "Eat 'em up feature". This unit, dubbed "Porkahontas" currently has two teeth but has consumed two pieces of pizza with the works in one sitting! At almost a year, it can only say a handful of words (Dada, Mama, good, hi, wow)and is far more mobile. The added mobility gives her warp speed, so it gets into everything. She has excellent dexterity and super strength as she is able to pull of her dirty diaper and paint the sheets, crib and walls with whatever she finds in said diaper. Moreover, this model is able to pull herself onto furniture and push chairs across the room even though her walking feature is not fully operational. My husband believes if there is ever a WNFL, this model will be a great linebacker.

I am reticent to invest in a 2006/2007 boy model as I fear the task at hand with the girls models that currently own us will be daunting indeed. I am thinking of taking out a "loaner" instead. If you are ever interested in the two girl models I have, I could loan one (or both) of them to you for a couple of hours. Perhaps we could swap?


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