Judgment Day

I mentioned I read a lot of blogs, right? A LOT? Right. So I was reading my blogs this morning and lo and behold, I find that Em was talking about how she hates when people are judgmental and feel superior. And here I just mentioned the other day how I am a snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch. Huh. Then I find that Heather was talking about how she handles hate mail and other such lovelies from people who I can only assume are judgmental and have delusions of grandeur. Double huh. So now I'm thinking, "Wow. How do I live with myself, being the snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch that I am?" And the more I'm thinking about it, the more the answer appears to be, "Quite easily, actually."

First of all, I'm not the type of snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch who goes around leaving nasty messages on other people's blogs. That is ridiculous. I don't know what about the internet -- whether it is the anonymity or the lack of personal contact or what -- that makes people believe that the rules governing our interactions with other people no longer apply, but I think it's one of the uglier features of this kind of media, and I choose not to operate that way. If I find myself not enjoying a blog I'm reading, or a thread on a discussion board, or anything else, I take some deep breaths and point my browser in another direction. If I'm bothered enough by something to actually speak up, I do so in a polite and respectful manner, engaging other people in a dialogue, rather than haranguing them with my viewpoint. This is just common courtesy, in my opinion. To do otherwise speaks negatively of me, which is not something that helps me stay safe and warm in the comfort of my snobby, smug, judgmental, bitchy superiority. It brings me down to the level of Turtle, who so far hasn't figured out that throwing tantrums isn't the way to get what he wants. And I would like to think that I'm matured a bit beyond that, if for no other reason than it's the only advantage I have when dealing with him.

Secondly, everyone is judgmental in some way. I think it's a little disingenuous to claim otherwise. The instinct that tells you to avoid the guy on the corner because he seems kind of sketchy? That's your little judgmental gene coming out in full force. As well it should, because that guy was totally a serial killer. But seriously, we assess people based on our life experiences, our prejudices, and our instincts every single day and judge them based on that frame of reference. The sticking point is how we respond when that assessment or judgment is questioned. So, yeah, I'm a snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch, but let me get to know you and learn where I may have misjudged you and I'm open to changing my impression. Especially if it means that we can sit in the corner at the next Christmas party and be snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitches together and openly mock other people. I'm always down for that.

Okay, so I'm joking about openly mocking other people. I may be a snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch, but I try to keep that aspect of my personality fairly low-key. When Snark's Mistress and I get together, you can bet your ass that the claws will come out at some point and we will be catty bitches, doling out our scathing wit with wild abandon. No one and nothing is sacred. But at the same time, we have a verbal shorthand. Our own language, if you will. So we can be catty bitches without anyone around us suspecting that is what we are doing. We don't need to broadcast the fact that we've decided that you are seriously on crack if you think that shirt goes with that skirt, and that you have the biggest chip on your shoulder known to man. We're happy to keep that just between us.

In addition, I know that when I am with Snark's Mistress and we're happily passing judgment on all the lesser mortals among us, she is fully aware that any hateful comment that comes out of my mouth, any snobby thought I have in my mind, any superior bone in my body is used more for comedic effect than anything else. Do I really think I'm God's gift to the universe and all others around me are pathetic wastes of space? Well, yes. Clearly. But really? No. I'm not a bad person. I am a catty bitch, but more to make my friends and family laugh than because I honestly believe that I'm better than anyone else. I have my flaws, too. Not as many as you do, obviously, but that's neither here nor there.

So really? While there are a number of things I would change about myself if I could, being a snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch is not one of them. And I bet, if you think about it, you secretly love that I'm a snobby, smug, superior, judgmental bitch. Because you're just like Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias who tells Dolly Parton, "As somebody always said, 'If you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me.'" After all, isn't that why you're here?