Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Wow. That Was Crap.

So, last night, after a particularly grueling day, Oscar and I sat down together and watched "Van Helsing." I really wanted to like this movie. I mean, I know the critics eviscerated it, but I had really hoped that perhaps they just didn't like it because critics are too caught up with defining movies in terms of their "artistic value" to appreciate a decent "popcorn flick" when it comes along. Besides, it stars Hugh Jackman. And Kate Beckinsale. And David Wenham, who is best known as "Faramir" from the Lord of the Rings movies. (His presence was a very pleasant surprise. I had no idea he was in this movie going into it.) It had so much potential. Too bad all of it was wasted.

I don't think we were more than 20 minutes into the movie when I looked over at Oscar and observed, "This movie kind of sucks." My opinion only got worse as we went along. And yet, we stuck it out. Through all of the scenery chewing, and the poorly done CGI, the atrocious dialogue, and the lame excuse for a plot. As the credits began rolling, I flicked the DVD player off, snickered a bit and mentioned to Oscar that that was by far one of the worst movies I've ever seen. He quickly agreed. And then we proceeded to have a 20 minute dialogue about how awful that movie was, truly.

I feel kind of bad for Hugh, because he kind of looked like he was thinking, "How did I let my agent talk me into this....? Oh yeah....Kate Beckinsale. Next time, I'm not signing on unless I know Kate's doing some nudity or I'm getting paid a huge percentage on the back-end," throughout the whole movie. Plus, he never really seemed able to overcome the liability that was his hair. I'm not against long hair on a man, as a general rule. But his hair was pretty bad in that movie. I couldn't take him seriously. And this is the same man who makes my panties all wet when he's playing Wolverine in the X-Men franchise. It doesn't seem right, somehow.

Then there's Kate Beckinsale. Her hair? I was kind of in love with. And her wardrobe? Might have been a touch overdone, but it was really one of the few bright spots in the movie. She was rocking the corset and the boots. But she looked a little vacant throughout the movie. Probably because she was thinking, "Next time, I need to actually READ the script before agreeing to do the movie."

I won't even get into the rest of the cast, or the script (which was beyond banal), except to say that this movie could have been campy and fun and a hell of a lot better if it just didn't try to take itself so seriously. Oh, and that David Wenham reaffirmed my love for him, as his character turned out to be the saving grace of the movie. He had the only funny lines, and his delivery was so perfect, it almost made me forget I was sitting through the cinematic equivalent of a root canal, absent anesthesia.

But in the aftermath of this piece of dreck, I've decided that there's nothing better than watching a really wretched movie together to bond a couple. It was kind of like going through some sort of traumatic event together. Like living through a car crash... All of a sudden, you feel like no one else could ever understand you like this person does, because they've lived through this experience with you. We were still talking about how horrible the movie was as I was driving Oscar in to work this morning. Bemoaning the fact that we spent two hours of our life on that movie that we will never get back. Seriously. Those two hours? Gone. But I will be remembering this experience the next time Oscar and I are going through a rough patch in our marriage. We don't need couples' counseling, honey. Just throw Brown Bunny into the DVD player and we'll be fine.


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