Oh, You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!

God sends me blog posts. No really. Tonight, for example, I went to the gas station. I needed to put gas in our car so Oscar could get to and from work tomorrow without spending the obscene amounts of money that they tend to charge in the downtown area. So I was pumping my gas, as one tends to do in the gas station. And I noticed that there was a woman approaching a man gassing up his truck a few pumps over from me. I figured she was looking for money or something, but didn't give it too much thought. I went back to pumping my own gas. As one tends to do in a gas station. With my right hand. Which becomes important in a minute.

As I turned my head to look around, I noticed a different woman approaching me. "Got a second?" she asked me. "What do you need?" I responded. She seemed taken aback. She repeated what I had said under her breath, as though trying to decipher this strange new language I was speaking. "That's an interesting thing to say," she finally managed. Oh, really? I kind of figured that when someone approaches you IN A GAS STATION, without a vehicle anywhere in sight, and with no obvious intention to, say, PUMP GAS, "What do you need?" is well within the boundaries of reasonable questions to ask. I simply stared back at her. I figured if she was going to get to her point, she had better get to it quickly.

"I'm running this promotion," she finally explained. "I am selling these perfumes - two for $55. Have you ever smelled Britney Spears's 'Curious?'" I looked at her like she'd grown two heads. I couldn't help it. Britney Spears's "Curious?" Really? Does anyone over the age of 18 wear that perfume? I was so shocked that she thought I might be the kind of person who would be chomping at the bit to get a bottle of Britney Spears's "Curious" from a woman selling fragrances out of her purse, all I could manage was a choked, "No." "Oh," she said, as she dug in her bag and pulled out a bottle. "That's okay, I have other scents. Let me have your arm." At this point, the situation was so surreal, I was operating like a robot. My arm moved up, almost of its own volition, and she spritzed it with her perfume bottle.

"Smell that," she commanded. I sniffed, tentatively. "That's.....an interesting scent," I told her. What I was really thinking was that whatever she sprayed on my arm smelled little better than bug repellant. She seemed to get the idea that I was not at all overwhelmed with a burning desire to buy that perfume. "That's okay," she assured me. "I have another one." Oh, blessed be. I could hardly wait. She ordered me to give her my other arm. But where was my other arm, people? That's right, pumping gas. At a GAS STATION, of all things. I don't know what impulse possessed me to physically pump my own gas tonight instead of setting the auto-pump, but I am immensely grateful for it. Sadly, this was not enough to deter the perfume lady completely.

She offered to spray her own arm, doing so before I could get a word in edgewise. I took a sniff. And O, the citrus fragrance, it was abundant. Noxious and abundant. I said as much. "That's okay," the perfume lady said to me. "I can give you just one for $25." (In relaying this story to Oscar, he mentioned that was an interesting promotion she was running. One perfume for $25 or two for $55. I should have given her a hard time about the bum deal she was offering me, but I was so busy being astounded that she approached me at the gas station while I was PUMPING MY GAS, the math escaped me.) I looked up at this woman with the oversized purse. "Look, I appreciate it," I began, "but I already have a perfume that I wear every day, and I don't think you're going to have it in your purse." She finally left. I finished pumping my gas in peace.

It took me a few minutes in the car, asking myself, "Did that REALLY just happen?" before I could call anyone to relay that story. But I swear, the first thing I wanted to do was get home so I could blog about it. So I'm telling you, this one was straight from God, people. I can find no other explanation for what just happened. Britney Spears's "Curious?" No. Just no.