Must Be This Tall To Ride...

So. For a couple days I thought I might have developed an ectopic pregnancy. I was worried about it rupturing. I was terrified of what it might mean for future attempts to conceive. Having become quite comfortable in my families' reputation for extreme fertility, I was loathe to think that my reproductive organs were "broken" and that by extension, maybe I was, too. In short, I was freaking right out. Then I went to the doctor.

After seeing him, I was no longer worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I was worried about a normal one. My "plan everything down to the last detail" personality didn't handle the idea of my uterus being hijacked by an unplanned pregnancy all that well. Every little hiccup was evidence that instead of having fertility problems, I was SuperFertileGirl! I was worried about how Oscar would feel about it, given that the last family planning conversation we had left me with the feeling that he was not at all certain if he wanted us to expand our brood. And I was ambivalent, myself, particularly since Turtle has been running me ragged lately and I couldn't even imagine how it would be with two little munchkins running me ragged. In short, I was freaking right out some more, just for different reasons.

And when I wasn't worried about being pregnant? I was worried about NOT being pregnant. I questioned if there was any possible way that pregnancy test was wrong, even though I know there is no such thing as a false positive on those things. I worried that my blood test was going to come back completely normal and that my doctor was going to end up showing it to all of his colleagues and laughing because the hormone levels CLEARLY didn't indicate pregnancy at all, and I was just a big, fat, overreacting hypochondriac. And I was scared that there might be something wrong with me that wasn't so easily explained by the plus or minus sign on the stick or the hormone levels in my blood. In short, I was freaking right out all over the damn place.

Today? I'm a little more mellow. Or perhaps the word is "numb?" Whatever it is, I think I've just reached the stage where I don't have the energy for anything else. I've been so tired lately, which causes the more optimistic in my crowd to conclude that I MUST be pregnant, naturally. I had another blood draw today, which, when compared to my first results, should give us a better idea of what's happening, and I see the doctor again on Wednesday. Until then, we just don't know anything. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing, which is assuming that I'm pregnant and acting accordingly until I hear otherwise. Which means that until then, I've got an unlimited pass on this emotional rollercoaster. Get in, sit down, strap in and shut up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.