Disney Hell

When Turtle started watching Disney movies, I'm sad to say, I got a little excited. I finally had someone with whom I could indulge my love of little animated forest critters bursting into song. And when Turtle decided that his favorite Disney movies were, in fact, Pixar creations? Well, I could have just kissed him for his instinctive brilliance. I mean, with the funny? And the smart? And the funny? It was a beautiful thing.

But then, Turtle started getting bored and he wanted new movies to watch. Even that was okay, at first, because he chose movies like The Little Mermaid and Mulan and The Emperor's New Groove. I could get behind those choices. I am a sucker for any Disney movie with a special father-daughter relationship, or any time a monarch gets turned into a llama. It works for me. So we were fine. We'd pop one of his movies into the VCR and go to town.

But naturally, that special time period was destined not to last long, either. Turtle eventually decided he was bored with all of Mommy's videos and started poaching from other people, like Snark's Mistress and Mama Jo. I would have been okay with it if he'd chosen movies that I don't have, but want to own, like Atlantis. But does Turtle consider Mommy's feelings in all of this? No. So what did he choose? Well, first it was The Fox and the Hound.

I have a very deeply ingrained loathing for The Fox and the Hound. I take it very personally that these two best friends are forced to be at odds because of the circumstances of their births. It makes me think of what would happen if all of a sudden I could never see Snark's Mistress again. I just can't picture a SM-sized hole in my life without getting depressed, so I feel an immense amount of empathy for poor Copper and Tod. Not to mention the fact that Tod really doesn't do anything wrong in that movie, and yet he gets the blamed for everything. That bothers me a lot. Gee, Mr. Hunter Man, maybe your dog wouldn't have gotten hurt if you hadn't constantly sent him out after your next door neighbor's pet. Did you consider that? Well, what about this: Maybe you wouldn't have gotten your leg caught in the trap and been attacked by the bear if you hadn't been trespassing on the game preserve. Did you consider that? It's called personal responsibility, jackass. Look into it.

In any case, I have always hated The Fox and the Hound, but when Turtle borrowed it from Snark's Mistress, I figured "anything to please the little man," and just kind of rolled with it. I'd arrange to be out of the room during the parts that bothered me the most. It wasn't the best system, but it worked. Of course, then he got bored with that movie and borrowed Dumbo from Mama Jo. And started watching it at least three times a day, because he loves it so much. And I finally got to watch it myself, as an adult, with a child of my own.

Now I kind of want to kill anyone associated with that movie, if they are not already dead. I can't STAND that movie. Take this cute little baby elephant with big blue eyes, oversized ears, and an earnest desire to be loved. Now add a bunch of pompous, egotistical, nasty little ninny elephants, a circus director who can't see past the dollar signs in his eyes, and a gaggle of clowns who see the little baby elephant as a prop, not a live animal with a mommy he never gets to see. What do you get? The cute little baby elephant crying big, fat tears out of his big, blue eyes. What else do you get? Me, getting unreasonably angry at everyone who even looked sideways at this cute little baby elephant (who doesn't truly exist....I do get that), and then getting all sad and blubbery when he goes to visit his mommy and she sings "Baby of Mine."

I turn into a basket case if I am in the same room with Turtle when he is watching this movie. Luckily for me, he only seems to want to watch Dumbo in my bedroom, which leaves me to the rest of the house during that time. And that's a good thing. Because really? I have enough drama in my life without having to explain to the therapist that the Disney company should be paying for my Prozac.