He's A Tough Crowd, But I Love Him Anyway

When I first started experiencing the singular pleasure of having my girly parts pried apart and investigated by someone with a flashlight, a swab, and (what I perceived as) over-confidence in her spelunking abilities, I did so at my regular doctor's office. They were fully equipped and I was quite comfortable with my regular doctor (who wasn't really a doctor, if you want to get specific about it....she was a Nurse Practitioner) so I didn't see any reason to seek out an OB/GYN. But when I got pregnant with Turtle, I couldn't exactly rely on my NP to deliver our baby, so it was time to be a grown-up and find someone who was specifically licensed to mess around with my reproductive organs.

At first, I thought it might be nice to find a female OB. So I asked my dad, who worked at a nearby hospital, to do some investigating for me and come up with a list of doctors I might see. When he came back with the information I had been seeking, he did have the name of a female doctor on the list, but said that he had actually heard fantastic things about this other doctor....a man. Oscar didn't care one way or another who we decided to see so long as I was comfortable. So I thought about it, and decided, "Hell, I'm not modest" and set up an appointment with the doctor who had come so highly recommended.

I liked the doctor just fine. He's a quiet sort, very unassuming, but obviously competent. But it wasn't until I was ready to deliver Turtle that I fell in love with him. My doctor had assured me that he would be the one delivering my baby, and that is why his office is right across the street from the hospital. It's the only hospital where he delivers babies, and therefore, I could rest easy knowing that I wouldn't be pawned off on a stranger I'd never met when it came time to spread my legs and push the watermelon out the garden hose.

Unfortunately, we weren't counting on the fact that I would go into labor early Sunday morning and continue my labor through the day and into the night. The nurses told me that I shouldn't expect my OB/GYN to deliver Turtle, and that it would likely be the doctor-on-call who would have that task. I was frustrated, and annoyed, and cranky, but what could I do? I couldn't tell Turtle not to arrive yet because it wasn't convenient. Well, I could have, but he wouldn't have listened. So imagine my relief when my quiet, unassuming, but very competent doctor walked in the door as we were nearing the home stretch and coached me through the rest of the delivery. I would have had HIS baby right then if I hadn't been so busy having Oscar's.

I can't tell you how much I appreciated him coming down, despite the lateness of the hour (Turtle was delivered sometime after midnight) and the fact that he could have just as easily let the doctor-on-call take my case. He won me over completely for that alone. And kind of made me forgive him for not laughing at my jokes.

I know...I know...how is it possible that he doesn't realize how funny I am? I'm not quite sure. Maybe he does realize how funny I am, but he's so quiet that he laughs on the inside. I'm not sure. But it is very disconcerting for someone who often wisecracks in order to cover for nervousness or discomfort to have her jokes fall completely flat. Of course, that just means that when I DO get him to react to something I say, it's a special little victory, just for me.

Today, for example, I had to go back to his office for a follow-up appointment. He's still keeping track of me and making sure that everything goes back to normal. So there he is with the ultrasound wand doing his spelunking for him. Now, mind you, this is the first action I've gotten in several weeks, as he banned me from having intercourse until we knew my uterus wasn't going to explode or something. So he's poking around, and pointing out my pieces and parts, and he's having a hard time finding one of my ovaries. Then he pats my knee and says "Can you spread your legs a little wider, please?" And as I do, I tell him "I haven't heard THAT in a few weeks." And do you know what happened? He chuckled, people. He CHUCKLED. Sure, it was an easy shot....obvious even. But I've had better jokes than that get nothing more from him than a blink and a bland stare, so to get a chuckle? Well, let's just say I'll be flying high on that one for a while. It took me a few years, but I'm finally breaking him in.