The New Prozac

So, with everything that's been going on in my life in the past 6 months (some of which I've blogged about and some of which I've kept private), my self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating. Not that I'm rocking back and forth in the corner, taking hits off Ben and Jerry's, and dive-bombing other bloggers in an effort to make myself feel better. Things haven't gone THAT far south. But I do occasionally look in the mirror and scrunch up my face in that "Really? THIS is what we have to work with?" kind of way, shrug my shoulders and concede defeat.

I've thought about getting some therapy in an effort to shore up my self-image a bit, but I figured I would try some other things first. I started by going to the gym. That helped, because even though I didn't instantly drop 30 pounds (which would have been fricking OUTSTANDING!, but alas....) I did start feeling thinner, sexier, more beautiful and, you know, like I could crush you between my super-hot thighs of steel. Unfortunately, I got out of the habit of going to the gym when I went on vacation and then there were the health issues, and before I knew it, 3 months had passed and my fledgling muscles became gelatinous blobs once again. So much for that.

Then I thought, well, I'll just blog about it and see if I can't process some of this stuff by getting my thoughts out to the world at large. Except, you know, writing is an interesting process for me, and it's not often that I can set out to write about something and follow it all the way through to completion. More often than not, I start writing about one thing and half-way through I'm talking about something else completely, and I've lost the point and well, at least I found the funny, because God knows I don't remember what I was talking about to begin with. Besides, I don't think I could turn this site into a wallowing pit of self-absorbed despair. I would start to annoy myself way before I started annoying you, and that would kind of defeat the purpose of trying to shore up my self-image, don't you think?

So then I thought it might be a good idea to just start simply and begin to find affirmation in the little things. Like when you see the little "Approved" message after running your debit card? Most people don't give it a second thought. I take it as a compliment. "Congratulations on managing your finances so well. We will reward you by approving your request to buy these feminine hygeine products!" Or when I get comments to one of my posts. I get overwhelmed with my feelings of Sally Field-ness. "They like me, Oscar! They really, really like me!" But the best thing for my self-esteem? Turtle.

We're in the middle of potty training him, which, don't EVEN get me started, because Wow! with the annoying. But when he has a success on the potty, we make a big deal about it. We're not yet to the point of bribing him with the candy, which I've heard is an effective tool. No, we just give him a high-five and tell him what a good job he's doing. Of course, I haven't been convinced that any of this was sinking in, because he still ends up peeing in his pants instead of just telling me he needs to go to the potty. But he has become increasingly fascinated with what happens when Mommy and Daddy go to the bathroom.

Now, mind you, I haven't been able to go to the bathroom by myself since this kid learned to walk, so having him follow me back there is nothing new. It's just that now there's this new level of intensity in his gaze as he tries to figure out what exactly I'm doing there. Today, in fact, he followed me back to the bathroom and silently watched as I pulled down my pants and sat down. And then he listened, attempting to decipher whether I was going number one or number two. And when he figured it out? His whole face lit up and he jumped up and down as he said "Mommy had poop in the potty! Good job, Mommy!" and then gave me a high-five. And really...how can you possibly feel bad about yourself when you have a two-year-old giving you serious props for going poop in the potty? You can't, is all I'm saying. So yeah...low self-esteem problem solved.