Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Monday, October 02, 2006

Another True Confession

So, I think I've mentioned that I'm a compulsive planner. I wouldn't normally make a huge case of it, because as Oscar likes to point out, we all seem to be compulsive in one way or another. And my compulsion is a little more understandable when you realize that my brother plans NOTHING, and does everything last minute. Big things, small things, it doesn't matter...he waits until the last minute to put things together and then relies on his family and friends to handle the details and make it all work. It's very annoying, so it's no surprise to me that I've compensated by going in the opposite direction and planning everything.

It's just that yesterday, things took a turn for the odd, and I thought it was time to revisit how completely neurotic I am.

There is, for instance, the fact that I planned having children down to the week...(This didn't happen yesterday. I just kind of felt it was important for me to establish my history of being a complete nutjob before getting down to what happened yesterday.)

Oscar and I had been together for 7 years when Turtle was born. I agonized over when to get pregnant for at least 5 of those years. It took me at least that long to run the proper mathematical equations to calculate when it would be best for us financially. It also took me that long to run the proper psychological testing to calculate when it would be best for us emotionally. And when all the tests came back and indicated that we were good to go, I still had to think about what our schedules were like for the next year and determine when it would be appropriate to tell Oscar to get his swim team ready.

We were planning a cruise for February of 2003. I told my closest friends and family that we'd start trying then, though "trying" isn't a completely accurate description of what we were going to do. "Trying" implies some sort of active participation in the process, whereas all we planned to do is stop using birth control and leave the rest up to fate (whose sense of humor I have come to appreciate.) Well, okay, that's not completely accurate, either. Being me, after all, I had calculated the patterns of my menstrual cycle and determined that while on the cruise, I'd be ovulating, and I thus told Oscar to be prepared to have lots and lots of sex, because I figured he would assume he was going to get lots and lots of sex on vacation, anyway, and at least this made it seem like all the sex was my idea, and I could earn some serious spousal points that way.

Regardless, Oscar figured we'd start trying on the cruise and if we got pregnant at any time after that, we'd be in good shape. I don't think he really counted on the amazing power I have when I start planning things, because I'm pretty sure I got pregnant on Cruise Day One. Coincidentally, that day also happened to be Mama Jo's birthday, so I like to tell her that the baby we created that day was especially for her. It gives me no end of amusement to think that her birthday gift was Oscar giving it to me like the cheap hussy I am.

In any case, fast forward to yesterday. I've been trying to get back to the gym on a regular basis, which hasn't really happened for a variety of reasons, only some of which stem from the fact that I'm a lazy ass. I've also been trying to get better about my eating habits, because I figure if I'm ever going to lose weight, I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that Ben and Jerry's is not a food group, and therefore does not constitute "lunch" in this or any other universe. On the other hand, I also have an almost-three-year-old, who makes it difficult for me to make healthy decisions spontaneously, being that he will often ask to shoot go-gos at the precise moment I am contemplating what to have for breakfast. This creates a problem, i.e. in a remake of Return of the Jedi, I could be asked to be Jabba the Hut's body double.

But of course, there is no problem so large that it can not be solved by my compulsive need to plan, Plan, PLAN! Which is why, yesterday, I could be found on my computer, setting appointments in Outlook that looked something like this: 6:30am - Wake Up. 7:00am - Eat Breakfast. 8:30am - Go to Gym. 10:00am - Eat Second Breakfast. 11:00am - Outside Time. 1:00pm - Eat Lunch. And so on, and so on, and so on. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I printed a sample day out and wrote these little notes in the margins so that I would have a general idea how to structure my day. But no. I set these as actual appointments in my calendar and what's worse....I set the recurrence to "daily" so these appointments show up all day, every day. Just looking at my calendar, you'd think I was the busiest person you'd ever met. least until you actually read the details on the appointments. Then you'd realize I'm not busy. I'm just a freak.

Still, fate continues to have a sense of humor. Because I didn't get a chance to keep any of my appointments today. I stayed up a little too late with Oscar last night, watching Dodgeball. And then Turtle woke up in the middle of the night with a nose bleed. And then I couldn't get back to sleep, so I ended up sleeping in this morning. And now Turtle has a cold, which means I can't take him to the daycare at the gym. So it doesn't matter how many times my computer tries to remind me of my master plan. It ain't happening. I'm so glad I put in all that time, planning my life out in exquisite detail. Ah well, if nothing else, it provided me with the opportunity to prove that yes, I really am that big of a freak.


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