I'm Not Even Going To TRY for Boardwalk

For the most part, I try to avoid McDonald's. And not because of some knee-jerk reaction to the "Super Size Me" movie, which I'm not ashamed to admit I haven't yet seen. No, it's more of an unwritten agreement with my digestive system that keeps me away. There are exceptions. When I am premenstrual, I seem drawn to the golden arches. I'm not sure if there is some weird magnetic force generated by that "over a kazillion served" sign that only my hormones respond to, but it never fails. A week before my period is due, I start craving their fries. I try to ignore it more often than not. See: the above unwritten agreement with my digestive system. But there is one thing that never fails to lure me into the drive thru line. And that thing is:

The Monopoly game.

I start seeing the ads for the Monopoly game, and resistance is futile. I am the Monopoly game's bitch. It doesn't matter that I've never won a damn thing collecting those little game pieces. I am all about the large fries, large drink and the chicken sandwiches (not only because they're the only sandwiches worth eating there, but because they have extra game pieces on the boxes.) So it should come as no surprise that with a little extra time on my hands, a growling stomach, and access to our car today, lunchtime found me in line at the McDonald's drive thru.

And it is here, in the McDonald's drive thru, where we come to the point of my story, which centers, yet again, around what I learned today. Today, I learned that I have apparently been misunderstanding the meaning of certain words as they apply to food. For example, when I order a grilled sandwich, I expect that I will receive a grilled sandwich. And when I order a sandwich with no tomato, I expect to receive a sandwich with no tomato. This is apparently faulty logic. Because when I ordered my grilled sandwich with no tomato today, what I got instead was a crispy sandwich with no tomato AND no bacon. I found this to be completely unexpected.

I must have missed the memo that described how to order using the new system of code words. How else to explain the fact that I ordered clearly and concisely, the person taking my order repeated it back to me clearly and concisely, the receipt for my food shows the correct order, but my sandwich was irrevocably flawed, except to say that when you order something "grilled" it now means "crispy" and that tomatoes and bacon are now inextricably linked? Does anyone have a copy of the new code? Because if, in order to get a Grilled Ranch BLT Chicken Sandwich, minus the "T", I need to now order a Big Mac, no pickles, and extra ketchup, I would really like to know that.

What really galls me about this whole thing is that, with an almost three year old to worry about, it's not so easy to head back to the McDonald's and raise holy hell until they offer me free food. By the time I sat down with my sandwich and realized the problem, Turtle was tucking into his macaroni and cheese and applesauce and didn't want to be stuffed back in the car so Mommy could conniption fit herself up an apple pie. And if you're going to say, "Why didn't you just call?" you can just leave now. Because who has time for that, really? The fact that I was in the drive-thru lane to begin with should tell you that I am all about the convenience of getting lunch with as little effort on my part as possible. Do you really think I'm interested in looking up the number for the McDonald's, calling them, explaining the situation to at least two people, and having them tell me to come by and explain the situation to someone else so they can offer me....what? A free sandwich? That they'd probably mess up a second time, starting this whole vicious cycle all over again? No.

I just want them to get my order right the first time. Is that really so much to ask? I mean, every time they bust out their Monopoly game, I'm there, throwing money at them like it's going out of style because this might be the year I FINALLY win something besides all of those Best Buy Bucks. The least they could do is fill my order correctly and without me having to double check it. It's a simple thing I'm asking. (Oh, and if they could give me Tennessee Avenue, too, that would be great. $1500 could buy me a lot of combo meals. Thanks.)