The List

While we're on the subject of fantasies and being completely turned on by superficial traits, I thought I might get back to what started this whole brouhaha about my obsession with McSteamy in the first place. It all started when I be-bopped over to the Boyfriend's blog and found a recent post in which he set his "List" down in writing. This would, of course, be the list of people that would exempt him from his wife's wrath, should he meet one of them and have wild monkey sex. Or, you know, whatever else he might do upon being introduced. Seeing his list in writing made me consider my own. I haven't had a formal list in quite some time. In fact, I think the last time I had a formal list, I was in high school and Snark's Mistress and I were creating our New World Order, in which we decided the celebrities we would take into the bomb shelter with us when we realized that our world was hopeless and we had to nuke everything to start over. We were a cheerful sort in our youth.

That's not to say that we haven't discussed the list at all. I've discussed the list many times, both with Oscar and with Snark's Mistress. It's just been mostly abstract discussion. For example, SM has her own personal code of ethics as it pertains to the list: she will not choose anyone who is married. I was with her on that for a while, until it occurred to me that this is my fantasy, and if I'm cheating on my husband, I'm obviously not overly concerned about the sanctity of marriage in this whole scenario. They're on their own to explain it to their spouses. I've got mine covered. He's even offered to man the camera.

In any event, seeing the Boyfriend's post and subsequent comments made me think about those celebrities with whom I might want to do completely dirty, naughty, unspeakable things. The kind that might even force me to go to confession (despite the fact that I'm not Catholic). Not that being a stay at home mom in suburban Arizona puts me in prime position to meet anyone on my list and start paving my path to Hell, but whatever. It was something to do. So without further ado, here is my current "I would SO do them and Oscar can't say ANYTHING about it" list:

1. Taye Diggs. Hearing that he did tequila shots with Ashlee Simpson almost made me reconsider his placement on the list, particularly since it started a spate of nasty rumors that he was cheating on his wife, Idina Menzel. I love me some Idina and I don't generally condone cheating (unless it's with me, in which case, Viva La Infidelity!) On the other hand, the idea that he might actually hook up with Ashlee Simpson almost made it seem like I had a chance with him.

2. Gina Gershon. Although my brother once compared me to k.d. lang and made the erroneous assumption that I was having a torrid affair with Snark's Mistress, I am not at all inclined toward the Sapphic. However. There is a very small, very select group of women who make me reconsider my love for the penis, and Gina Gershon is one. I'm not sure what it is about her, but she makes me want to be naughty, just so she'll turn me over her knee.

3. Patrick Dempsey. I don't think it's really possible to be a fan of Grey's Anatomy and not put Patrick Dempsey on your list. The hair alone is reason enough. But when you add in the eyes and the smile? Game over. In my fantasies, I generally go for the type who look like they could throw me up against a wall, manhandle me a bit and make me like it. That's not Patrick. Instead, he looks like the type who could charm me out of my underwear before I even realized the belt on my pants was undone, and how can you really resist that?

4. Nick Lachey. The power of Nick Lachey's charm is such that he even made Jessica Simpson look appealing. Even when he had his shirt on. Enough said.

5. Christopher Meloni. I love him in Law & Order: SVU, in which he plays the Angry!Detective! with a soft spot for kids and I love him in Runaway Bride in which he plays the affable, jilted fiance. But I particularly love him in OZ, of which I've never actually seen an episode, but for which I scoured the internet looking for screen captures, just so I could see him in all of his naked glory. His ass could have carved rock in that show. H.O.T.

6. Angelina Jolie. The Boyfriend and I were talking about what kind of woman I would go for if I was at all inclined to go for women. I said, "Women who won't put up with my whining about how I've never done it before and I don't know what I'm doing and instead would grab ahold of my head and direct the action, reaching over me to smack my ass with a riding crop and bark 'Get to work, bitch!'" Angelina Jolie is the epitome of that kind of woman.

7. Michael Shanks. For those of you who don't know who Michael is, he is the actor who plays Dr. Daniel Jackson on Stargate SG-1. Of course, he only made my list after the first season of the show when he cut his hair because man, that haircut he had in the beginning was enough to kill anyone's fantasy. In the earlier seasons of the show, he would have made my list for being the geeky, somewhat nerdy, unconventionally attractive type. But the older he gets, the hotter he gets, and there have been episodes where he's been wearing a sleeveless shirt that have made me praise God for arm porn.

8. Salma Hayek. Forget Scarlett Johansson. Salma Hayek has the most perfect breasts ever. And she runs the gamut from completely adorable to smokin' hot, depending on how she wants to play it. She's got a confidence and a smoldering sexuality that makes me want to do her in the vain hope some of that rubs off on me.

9. Hugh Jackman. Bonus points if he wears Wolverine's sideburns and leather. Woof.

10. Eric Dane. Ahhh....McSteamy. What can I say about McSteamy that I haven't already said? The man makes me seriously consider taking up stalking as a profession. And he's one of the few people on my list that wouldn't even need to say anything to get me on my back with my legs in the air. All he'd have to do is look at me and grin. In fact, just thinking about his grin right now is making me....................*ahem* I think you get the picture.

Anyway, G-d knows, I will more than likely never meet any of these people. And even if I did, I would imagine that I'd make such a complete ass of myself, they wouldn't even give me a second thought. But in the very unlikely scenario I do meet one of them and he/she is interested in getting me horizontal, Oscar is on notice. He can't say a word. Unless he's asking to either join in or man the camera. In which case, I'm open to negotiations.