Because The Story Is Not Going Away And If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them

Okay, I know I promised I was going to talk about my bathroom habits. And I know I silently promised myself that I was NOT going to get sucked into talking about Anna Nicole Smith, because the media coverage THAT has generated has been rather psychotic all by itself and without any input from me. But when I saw today that yet another man is now coming forward, claiming to be the father of Anna's baby daughter? I couldn't help myself. You know why?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH THAT MANY MEN IN MY WHOLE THIRTY PLUS YEARS OF LIFE, MUCH LESS IN A SMALL ENOUGH TIMEFRAME TO GIVE THEM CAUSE TO THINK MORE THAN ONE OF THEM COULD HAVE BEEN THE FATHER OF MY CHILD!

Sweet baby Jeebus, that's a lot of sex with a lot of different people. In fact, if TrimSpa is worried about how to carry on after the death of their spokesperson, perhaps they should consider a new campaign with the tagline "It'll get you laid. A lot." Not that I doubt the appeal of Anna Nicole Smith, but I have to believe that at least one of these guys is lying through his teeth. I mean, I suppose it is technically possible that they each had sex with her during the window of fertile opportunity that would have resulted in Dannielyn's appearance 9 months later. But doesn't it sound a bit like a scheduling nightmare? Unless she double-booked, if you know what I mean, and I think you do?

I don't know. All I know is I wouldn't have given this story a second thought before DaddyGate happened. I mean, it's not like her death was any big surprise. The woman looked like she was coked to the gills every time she made a public appearance over the last few months. If anything, I was surprised that it didn't happen sooner. But now, every time you turn around a new Daddy is popping up. They're like daisies. Great big fertile daisies. Great big fertile money-grubbing, attention-whoring daisies. Everywhere. It's seriously the most amazing train wreck I've ever seen. It's virtually impossible to turn away. It's almost enough to distract me from my other train wreck of choice, Britney Spears. Almost.

But honestly? That girl is freaking me out. I had hope for her for all of 2.2 seconds when she dumped her husband. But then with the going out without underwear? And the (alleged) trips to the bathroom for her coke fix? And the whole "is she or isn't she a lesbian" thing? I certainly wasn't her biggest fan before, but now? It's like I want to pull for her, but she's making it impossible. And as a mom? I am particularly appalled by her behavior because her kids are being raised by everyone BUT her. For someone who wanted these kids so badly, she's certainly not terribly invested in their upbringing. And where the hell is her family? Shouldn't SOMEBODY be staging an intervention by now? I don't get it.

Actually, what I REALLY don't get is why the mainstream news outlets are talking about these "stories" as though they are actually newsworthy. When my local news anchor reported last night, with a straight face, that Britney Spears went a little overboard on the partying this weekend and threw up in the back of her SUV, I knew the apocalypse was nigh. I expect to see that on Perez Hilton's site. I expect to see it in Star Magazine. I do not expect to see that on my local news, before the weather but after the sports reports. It is not news. And I'm not sure if the fact that the news outlets are actually reporting these goings-on as news are why these celebrities are now more famous for being famous than they are for any particular talent or if it's us and our incredible need to know everything about the every day lives of these people.

I mean, I'm all for over-investment in the lives of my favorite celebrities. I'm shameless. I admit it. But even I know there is a limit to what is newsworthy and what is not. And when the energy expended in reporting on the death of Anna Nicole Smith exceeds that which was expended in reporting on the hanging of Saddam Hussein, I think you have reached that limit. And then some.

Not to say that I won't be on Perez's site tomorrow, constantly refreshing to see what new entertainment gossip is out there. But see, that's the thing: I go there specifically knowing that I'm there to be a shameless gossip. I'm not going there, hoping to find out what's new with North Korea's nukes and instead find that there's someone new angling for the Anna Nicole Baby Daddy position. (SERIOUSLY! Did she have one of those "Take a Number" dispensers installed at the door to her bedroom, do you think?) I just think it's time that we exercise a little restraint, as it pertains to reporting on the lives of people who, for the most part, are not significantly more talented than the rest of us. Unless you count "the ability to exit a vehicle in a way that highlights to the best effect the fact that you're not wearing underwear" as an important talent. In which case, I stand corrected.