Will U B Mine?

So. It's Valentine's Day. At some point last week, Oscar had asked me how I felt about this particular holiday. I told him that I feel that it's a day that engenders unrealistic expectations. Which is true. I also told him that I feel it's a holiday completely manufactured by Hallmark and related industries. Also true. What I failed to mention, however, is that regardless of all of that, I had still gotten him a Valentine's Day present. Two of them, in fact.

This morning, I placed his gifts on the dining room table, with a card propped up against them. As I scurried around the house, doing chores and getting my morning started, Oscar walked into the kitchen. I paused when I noticed he was opening his card and watched silently to see his response. After flashing me a crooked smile and telling me he loved me, Oscar mumbled, "You're such a conniving bitch."

I grinned (which is, frankly, the only appropriate response I can think of when my beloved calls me a conniving bitch) and asked him what that was supposed to mean. He said he asked me if we were doing anything for Valentine's Day and I said no, but went ahead and got him something anyway. I took exception to that. I was nothing but honest with him. He only asked me how I felt about the holiday, not whether I had gotten him anything to celebrate. After all, just because I think Valentine's Day is all about Hallmark and unrealistic expectations, doesn't mean I can't also recognize that it's just as fine a day as any to do something nice for my sweetheart and let him know that I love him.

I don't think Oscar was completely appeased. He seems to think our marriage is based on some invisible score card and that if he falls far enough behind, I'm eventually going to get wise and leave him for a man who sends me flowers every week and buys me expensive jewelry. Which is ridiculous, really, because I would never leave him for "that guy." I would have an affair with "that guy" and milk "that guy" for all he was worth but I would never leave Oscar for "that guy." I mean, come on, let's be realistic. If I left Oscar for "that guy," "that guy" would realize that he didn't have to try so hard anymore and there would go my flowers and expensive jewelry. Where's the win-win for me in that?

No, luckily for Oscar, I'm in this thing for the long haul. Which means even if he never braves Hallmark to buy me another Valentine's Day card again, I'll still be there on March 20th, helping him celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day. Because I? Am the BEST. WIFE. EVER! Just check the score card.