Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Will U B Mine?

So. It's Valentine's Day. At some point last week, Oscar had asked me how I felt about this particular holiday. I told him that I feel that it's a day that engenders unrealistic expectations. Which is true. I also told him that I feel it's a holiday completely manufactured by Hallmark and related industries. Also true. What I failed to mention, however, is that regardless of all of that, I had still gotten him a Valentine's Day present. Two of them, in fact.

This morning, I placed his gifts on the dining room table, with a card propped up against them. As I scurried around the house, doing chores and getting my morning started, Oscar walked into the kitchen. I paused when I noticed he was opening his card and watched silently to see his response. After flashing me a crooked smile and telling me he loved me, Oscar mumbled, "You're such a conniving bitch."

I grinned (which is, frankly, the only appropriate response I can think of when my beloved calls me a conniving bitch) and asked him what that was supposed to mean. He said he asked me if we were doing anything for Valentine's Day and I said no, but went ahead and got him something anyway. I took exception to that. I was nothing but honest with him. He only asked me how I felt about the holiday, not whether I had gotten him anything to celebrate. After all, just because I think Valentine's Day is all about Hallmark and unrealistic expectations, doesn't mean I can't also recognize that it's just as fine a day as any to do something nice for my sweetheart and let him know that I love him.

I don't think Oscar was completely appeased. He seems to think our marriage is based on some invisible score card and that if he falls far enough behind, I'm eventually going to get wise and leave him for a man who sends me flowers every week and buys me expensive jewelry. Which is ridiculous, really, because I would never leave him for "that guy." I would have an affair with "that guy" and milk "that guy" for all he was worth but I would never leave Oscar for "that guy." I mean, come on, let's be realistic. If I left Oscar for "that guy," "that guy" would realize that he didn't have to try so hard anymore and there would go my flowers and expensive jewelry. Where's the win-win for me in that?

No, luckily for Oscar, I'm in this thing for the long haul. Which means even if he never braves Hallmark to buy me another Valentine's Day card again, I'll still be there on March 20th, helping him celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day. Because I? Am the BEST. WIFE. EVER! Just check the score card.


At February 15, 2007 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have done it once again.. amazing writing.. or should I say AMAZING WRITING! -- you really need to get published. Please do not stop -- you make my day every time a read a new entry!

At February 15, 2007 12:08 PM, Anonymous McMama said...

Cymber, you really are the best wife EVER! I need to congratulate you and wish you a happy anniversary because you have been blogging for one year now!!! Being the astute MIL that I am, I realized that I had heard all about Valentine's Day before. Lo and behold, I am right! Keep up the good work. I agree with anonymous - AMAZING WRITING! You Rock!

At February 16, 2007 10:43 AM, Anonymous Oscar said...

See... I KNEW there was a score card. And as much as you tried to make me think there isn't one. There is. But then again, I knew that. *le sigh*

And who might "that guy" be? I mean, while you're reveling in the glory of all of that expensive jewelry & such, get me a really nice watch. :)

And yes, you're the BEST. WIFE. EVER!


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