Irrational Ranting

Things that are pissing me off today:

1) Everything.

More specifically:

1) I am a light sleeper. Oscar sleeps the sleep of the dead. So when his alarm goes off in the morning, I am instantly awake and not always particularly pleased about it. Especially since Oscar has the unique ability to turn off his alarm mid-snore, leaving me staring at the ceiling and wondering if there's a chance I'll be able to get five more minutes of sleep before his alarm goes off again. (Answer: no.) Seriously. I could drop a nuclear bomb in our bedroom and Oscar and his two new heads, three new legs and extra nipple would just roll over and start snoring some more. The fact that I have no idea how to rectify this injustice without demanding separate bedrooms is pissing me off just a smidge.

2) Turtle is apparently in the midst of a growth spurt. This wouldn't normally be a reason for me to be pissed, except that Turtle's growth spurts mean that all of a sudden, he doesn't sleep much and he eats constantly. Which means that he's waking me up at least an hour earlier every morning (and considering that I've already been dealing with Oscar the Chain-Saw Snorer, my patience is short), not taking a long enough nap, bugging me for food the minute my tired (and lazy) ass settles into the couch (each and every time, like do you HAVE to wait until I'm sitting down to ask for something???), and being generally cranky. Oh. And the whining. DEAR GOD, with the WHINING. (I have this theory that we can achieve world peace if all nations' leaders were just locked in a room with an assload of three year olds. After a few days of the whining, they'll agree to anything.) This phase of the growth spurt can last up to two weeks. We're barely a half a week into this particular growth spurt and I already want to throw in the towel.

3) I am experiencing some wild and wicked mood swings as pertains to my body image. I spend a brief period of time thinking about how awesome I am and how well I've been doing on my diet and how cool it is that I'm finally losing weight. Then that moment passes and I spend another period of time feeling like a fat blob, wanting to sell advertising space on my ample ass (because if I have to put up with a billboard sized ass, I should at least make money off of it) and desiring nothing more than a vat of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream and a spoon. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Or I would if Dr. Jekyll had run Weight Watchers instead of busying himself with the science of good and evil and Mr. Hyde had gorged himself on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups instead of, say, killing people.

4) The IRS. I won't even go into this one. Because those of you who know should know and those of you who don't, don't want to know. Really.

5) Turtle decided yesterday to put half a roll of toilet paper into the potty. I have no idea why he did this. I didn't even realize he was going potty in the first place. Naturally, the toilet clogged. So I unclogged it. But dealing with toilet issues is by no means my favorite thing. I do it because I'll be damned if I'm going to be some sissy-ass girly-girl who can't unplug a toilet without a big strapping man around. I'd rather use Oscar for the far more important cockroach-killing tasks. But yeesh! And to top it off, today Turtle wet the bed. It happens very rarely, and even more rarely when he's not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. But of course it happened today. OF COURSE IT DID!

6) That the world can not just read my mind and figure out what I need and GIVE IT TO ME IN A TIMELY MANNER. This should not be difficult people. You just try different things until my bitch-face goes away. When it does? Jackpot! Just keep doing what you're doing until the bitch-face reappears. Then start the process over again. GAH! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?

7) That sometimes, just sometimes, guys have a point when they blame our foul moods on PMS. Particularly when the guy is Oscar and the foul mood he's talking about is mine. I'm going to crawl into a hole now and hope the dark cloud passes. Or my hormones balance. Whichever comes first, really.