Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Hey Look! Another Post About My Stupid Diet! Sort Of.

So, being on a restricted diet and eating mostly fruits and vegetables, some low-fat yogurt and lots of egg-white omelets, you would think I would do myself a favor and stay away from things that might trigger my cravings, wouldn't you? Well, you would, but you would not be me, which is why I am instead watching hour upon hour of the Food Network. In some respects, this is a good thing, because most of the things they make on the Food Network, I am very unlikely to attempt and/or have the ingredients for in my refrigerator. However, they have been known to create delicacies that tempt me into testing the recipes in my very own kitchen and that's where it gets dangerous.

Last night, I was watching a DVR recording of an episode of Good Eats. If you are not familiar with Alton Brown, I am afraid you are missing out on one of the great geek wonders of the universe, as Mr. Brown manages to be both informative in his scientific knowledge of food and goofy in his willingness to embarass himself in whatever way possible to make cooking more accessible to the lay person. In short, he is brilliant. And last night, as I watched my pre-recorded episode of Good Eats, I was struck dumb, as he made what is quite possibly my favorite pastry in the world: the eclair.

Now, here's what normally happens when I watch an episode of Good Eats:
Me: Wow. That looks really good.
Oscar: Yeah, no kidding.
Me: Holy crap, that looks really damn good.
Oscar: I know.
Me: There's not a chance in hell I'm trying that recipe.
Oscar: Oh, hell no.
Because, see, while I love Alton Brown AND Good Eats, they take such a purist's approach to food that I sometimes have a hard time picturing myself going to the trouble. I have enough trouble raising two kids. Er. Um. I mean, one kid and a husband. I don't have time to spend umpteen hours smoking my own bacon. It's just not going to happen. If I can get a pound of bacon for a few bucks at the grocery store, I really don't care that it has preservatives in it because it means I can spend that much more time getting an elbow to the (VERY TENDER!) breast from Turtle, who, I believe, is practicing for his pro-wrestling debut. The Wicked Witch of the East would be so proud.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, the eclairs. So normally, I would never even conceive of trying out one of the Good Eats recipes. But the eclairs! Oh, sweet baby Jeebus, the eclairs! I love them so. And when I buy them in the store, they so rarely end up being as perfect and fluffy and creamy and chocolatey as I want them to be. And the recipe looked relatively easy. And so I turned to Oscar and said, "I think I have a project for this weekend."

And some of you are, I'm sure, thinking "But your diet!" I know. I KNOW! But ECLAIRS, people! ECLAIRS! Besides, I have found that I have more willpower than I ever thought possible. Do you know that we have had 6 bags of Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs in our home over the course of the last 2 months? And did you also know that I have had exactly three (3) singular eggs? Oscar and Snark's Mistress have eaten the rest. (Don't tell them this, but I'm kind of hoping that the eggs will come to rest on their waistbands so that even if I don't end up losing weight, I will still start looking thinner by comparison.) (Okay, I kid. But wouldn't that be funny?) (Okay, not funny-ha-ha, but funny-interesting?) (I'm going to stop now before they get irate and start posting hate mail.) (Just kidding, guys! Really!)

Besides, I do allow myself one free day during the week, in which I don't stray completely away from my diet, but I do allow myself a few treats here or there, so I don't completely lose it over the idea of never eating another piece of cake again EVER, which is, quite frankly, a tragedy of such magnitude I can hardly contemplate it. I mean, seriously. Life has to be worth living, you know? Anyway, my free day falls on the weekend, so I will have the opportunity to not only bake eclairs to my heart's content, but also eat one or two. Brilliant!

And then, of course, on Monday, when I am sick of the whole "you can look but don't touch" phenomenon, I will pack up a container full of those little pastries and send them to work with Oscar. I figure if he can share them with his office, I can kill two birds with one stone. It will get them out of the house so I am no longer tempted. And it will quite possibly get Oscar a raise so I can afford liposuction. Hey, a girl's got to have a back-up plan.


At April 04, 2007 9:10 PM, Blogger Snark's Mistress said...

Please. Have we forgotten that I live on top of a hill, on the fourth floor of a dorm with no elevator? It's going to take a lot more than a couple dozen peanut butter eggs to make an impact on my waistband.

If it makes you feel better, though, I'm sure I'll gain weight this summer when it's too hot for me to step foot outside the house.


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