Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Mommy = Chopped Liver

This morning, I snuck into the master bathroom to get ready to go to the gym. Oscar was still sleeping, so I figured I might as well let him get some rest, and Turtle enjoys his time in the kids' care. But by the time I was done changing clothes, applying copious amounts of deodorant (because lord knows if I have to sweat at the gym, I should at least smell pretty doing so) and washing my face (because lord knows if there's a chance I am going to run into the cute trainer, I need at least one thing working for me) Oscar was blinking his eyes open.

We got to talking, which meant that I quickly exceeded my allowed time away from Turtle. He came wandering into the bedroom to make sure I wasn't doing something that had potential for fun without him and discovered that Daddy was awake. Now, you have to understand, Saturday mornings are quite possibly Turtle's favorite time period EVER. After a week of missing Daddy while he's at work, Turtle looks forward to having his favorite playmate home so they can wrestle and play keep-away with Oscar's phone. So when he walked in and found that his Daddy was awake and ready to play, it was like Turtle had won the lottery.

They started messing around, but of course, Oscar had JUST woken up and had a few biological imperatives that needed to be taken care of before he could fully engage in Saturday Morning Warfare. So while he got up and emptied his bladder, I hung out near the bed watching Turtle bounce around. It wasn't long before he noticed me and wandered over.

Turtle: "I need to play. You need to go be busy."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Turtle: "I need to PLAY. You need to go be BUSY."
Me: "You need to play? I need to go be busy?"
Turtle: "Yeah."
Me: "What do I need to be busy doing?"
Turtle: "You need to go be on the computer."
Me: "Do you need some alone time with Daddy? Is that why you want me to go away?"
Turtle: "Uh, YEAH."
Me: "Well, then."

It became suddenly clear to me why moms often feel the need to bust out the stories of excruciating labor for their offspring. When your place in your kid's life is second to the guy who had the easiest, most pleasurable job in the whole procreation process, it's hard not to want to assert yourself as the more deserving of that adoration. "BUT I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU!" I wanted to scream. "I PLAY WITH YOU AND I FEED YOU AND I TAKE YOU TO THE GYM! ALL DADDY DOES IS SCRATCH HIMSELF, BELCH AND WATCH TV WITH YOU!" But I kind of thought that throwing a full-scale temper tantrum wouldn't be the best example to set for my three year old. I mean, it's one thing for ME to know that there are times that Turtle is the more mature one in our relationship. If he ever figures it out, though, I suspect the balance of power will shift in a very undesirable way.


At June 10, 2007 7:58 PM, Blogger dykewife said...

i have never been under the delusion that i'm more than an adjunct to Boy's life. the clincher was when he gave the "mother's rose" to his dad because his dad is more of a mom than i am.

At June 11, 2007 12:07 PM, Blogger Hotass said...

One more example of why I will never procreate. Ungrateful bastard. ;)

At June 11, 2007 2:48 PM, Blogger Flip said...

Cymber dear,

I choose to interpret Turtle's reaction to indicate that you are doing everything you should as his mother.

For you see, we parents are like kitchen appliances to our children. That's the way it is, and probably the way it should be. Think about how much time you think about your refrigerator (the appliance, not its contents) when it's running. On the other hand, how much time do you think about it (and its decomposing contents) when it ceases to function reliably?

Turtle is communicating to you, my dear, that you are the perfect household appliance. It sounds like Oscar, on the other hand, needs to clean his coils.




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