Are You KIDDING Me With This???

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dork Check

Well, it's 8:30 on a Thursday night (a Thursday, I might add, that has apparently been mislabeled because just about everyone I talked to today could have sworn it was Friday, myself included,) Turtle is in bed, Oscar is programming code like a madman and I? I am bored as hell. There are a zillion things I could be doing (like cleaning my damn house) but that would require actual motivation, and I'm not currently in possession of any. So, being as I am not yet ready to go to bed myself (but only because I just recently finished dinner and not because of any lack of desire to curl up under the covers), I figured I'd update you on my vacation and thus avoid staring at the wall and attempting to count the little mounds of texture thereupon. My sanity thanks you for being here.

So. Many, many months ago, Snark's Mistress floated a thought past me to get my feedback. See, she had this idea that we should go to Vancouver together. Now, you should understand that our history of wanting to go to Vancouver together dates back at least 14 years. At that time, we were rabid X-Files fans and thought it would be super-cool to take a road trip to Vancouver after high school graduation to see if we could track down any of the filming sites of the show (yes, we were dorks, even then). It never came to pass, but in doing all of our research, we decided that Vancouver looked like a pretty cool place and it would be nice to go there at some point and check it out, even if X-Files had since ceased filming. Fast forward 14 years and guess what? Vancouver ALSO happens to be the city in which Stargate SG-1 is filmed. It's a big sci-fi city. Who knew?

In any case, Snark's Mistress had seen information on a Stargate convention that was being held the first week of April and wanted to know if I was interested in going. Now, I am not the kind of person who thought to herself, "A CONVENTION? Why SURE! I'll start packing my costume NOW!" but neither was I opposed to the idea, particularly since it meant almost a week away from home with my best friend. But then she sweetened the deal by informing me that this PARTICULAR convention featured tours of the ACTUAL Stargate sets and at that point, how could I say no? Especially since she further sweetened the deal by offering to pay for it herself. Free vacation, a chance to hang with the best friend, AND a week away from home in which I could sleep as long as I wanted each morning? Sign me the hell up, bitches!

So on April 2, we woke up ungodly early and rushed to the airport to show off our shiny new passports and stand in a multitude of lines, including the one for customs which took a little bit of the excitement out of finally getting to Vancouver after 14 years. That line was damn long. And the customs official on the other end of it seemed cranky and a little judgmental that we would enter her fine city to go to a [sneer] sci-fi convention [/sneer] but we were bringing our nice shiny tourist dollars to her fine city so she can bite my fine ass.

I won't bore you with too many details about the convention itself (as I hear the collective sighs of relief and the subtle movement of your fingers away from the "page down" keys.) However, I will briefly recap the highlights (in no particular order):

1) My loud (and often unfiltered) mouth may get me in trouble sometimes, but it also has its advantages. For example, during one of the actors' Q&As another woman from the audience told this (rather attractive) actor that he had very pretty eyes, so he thanked her and gave her a hug. But when MY loud (and often unfiltered) mouth blurted out “If I tell you you have a great butt, what does that get me?” I was rewarded by being invited on stage, whereupon this lovely actor presented me his ass for a nice two-handed grab. Now tell me, could I BE more of a class act? I thought not.

By the way, I would like to mention that McMama further cemented my love for her when I called her later that afternoon to share the happy news that my loud (and often unfiltered) mouth got me two hands full of prime actor ass that day and her instant response was "I'm so PROUD of you!!!" That woman is made of win, people.

2) After joking with another actor that his awesomeness might end up signaling the demise of my friendship with Snark's Mistress if we couldn't resolve the argument over who got to be his pretend-girlfriend, Snark's Mistress and I got into a real fight of epic proportions. In our fashion, we recovered somewhat quickly. But the next time I see that actor, I'm going to have to tell him to tone down the awesomeness so we don't have problems like that again.

3) Two OTHER actors were tagged to be in our complimentary pictures, taken in front of the Stargate. Upon being called up to get my picture done, I introduced myself to one, then the other, and then said in my perkiest voice that if one of them wouldn't mind grabbing MY ass, it would really help me achieve a more genuine smile. (I don't know why I was so big on the ass-grabbing on this trip, but apparently, I had ass on the brain. Perchance it had something to do with being on my first non-Oscar vacation in a couple years....) One of them actually obliged and when I received the printed version of my complimentary picture, I was delighted to see that he had a deliciously lecherous look on his face while the other actor had a bemused "Yep, he's grabbing her ass" look on his face. The only downside was that the Stargate itself was out of focus in the shot. Guess it was irritated that IT didn't get to partake in any of the ass grabbing.

4) I was thrilled to learn that as much of a nerdy, over-excited, often inappropriate fangirl as I am, I am not nearly as batshit as some of the attendees of this particular convention. Two women, in particular, had me curling my lip up with distaste every time I saw them because the crazy was so pervasive. They had to be the center of attention at every moment, even if the attention they were getting was negative. It was disturbing and alarming, and at the same time, I'm not ashamed to admit that they made me feel a lot better about the amount of time I spend talking and/or thinking about Stargate. Because as bad as I can be, I will never be THAT bad. So thanks, Obnoxious 1 and Obnoxious 2 (which is, sadly, what Snark's Mistress dubbed them after the umpteenth time they presented themselves at the microphone to share their "special moments" with the actors on stage.) I needed the self-esteem boost.

5) Snark's Mistress and I had a lovely conversation with another attendee about how we seemed to be the most normal people in the room and yet, how difficult it was to talk to the event guests because they were automatically alert for any hint of the crazy. This led to a lively debate about how best to express our appreciation for their work without seeming too overly invested. The result? Well, as much as it sounds like the title of some sort of required reading in a convicted stalker's group therapy meeting, we settled on "We love you, but not in a crazy way." Said with enough self-deprecation, this actually seemed to work.

6) So, remember how I said I'm not the kind of person who would be rushing to pack a costume at the first whiff of a convention? Yeah. Apparently there ARE people who DO. We met a few. And let me assure you, there is nothing like a sci-fi convention costume party to make those people believe it is completely appropriate to pour their 75+ pound overweight bodies into 2-sizes-too-small bikini-like outfits and parade around a room from which you can see no escape. (I'm looking at YOU, Obnoxious 2!!)

All in all, it was a fascinating experience, although not one I'm in a rush to repeat. Especially if I end up having to pay for the next one. (DAMN, those things are expensive!) But I am glad I went and I am particularly glad I had my convention cherry popped. I now know what to expect and how to prepare and what to avoid. And most importantly, I now know how to say to people, actors, producers and directors alike, "I love you, but not in a crazy way." The way I figure it, if I've learned nothing more than that in life, I have a tool that should serve me well for the rest of my days.


At April 18, 2008 9:28 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Are you implying that your inappropriate mouth got you the opportunity to grab Daniel Jackson's ASS?


What the fuck -- I'm getting ripped off. All I get is shit for my inappropriateness. I can't help it if I didn't realize there were children behind me in line I DIDN'T SEE THEM.

Ehem. I'm just a little jealous. A lot. Are there pictures of the ass grab? I want pictures.

At April 18, 2008 10:06 PM, Blogger Cymber said...

Man, I effing WISH! No, it was not Daniel Jackson's ass I had the opportunity to grab. Or Michael Shanks's ass, for that matter. Instead, it was Anubis/David Palffy's ass I grabbed. Of all the actors, I got to grope the freakin' oil slick. But, as previously noted, he had beautiful eyes, a great ass, and (obviously) an even better sense of humor. So you still have cause to feel ripped off, if that makes you feel any better.

Also, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I did look for pictures yesterday, but couldn't find any. Apparently, all the people at Gateworld wanted to see were quality photos of the actors THEMSELVES and weren't much interested in the pictures of actors being inappropriately groped by people who WEREN'T THEM. I feel a little ripped off, too, frankly.

(Also, I did sing a snippet of "Tomorrow" from Annie in front of Michael Shanks, who kind of looked at me like I was off the beam. But I have no evidence of that, either, with the exception of Snark's Mistress's elephant-like memory. Oh, and my inappropriate mouth did also yell out in a suggestive manner that I am not at all a good girl while Michael Shanks was on stage. Which made much more sense in context. Here it just sounds weird and desperate. Never mind...)

In any event, I understand your jealousy and if there is an opportunity for us to get together at a convention in the future, you just stick with me. I may make a total ass of myself in social situations, but it does occasionally reap me some rewards. Rewards I am happy to share with you, as you seem like the kind of equally inappropriate chick I could hang with.


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